Author: TheDon McCoy

“Make the most of yourself….for that is all there is of you.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have made mistakes in my life that haven’t exactly endeared me to my friends and family. Chances are, however, you probably have a little guilt and grew because of your mistakes.

I’ve been told that I’m not such an average guy. I have had tendencies to experiment and think with my heart rather than my head.

According to the original Master of Psychiatry Sigmund Freud, there are the three theoretical constructs in terms of whose activity and interaction our mental life is described; The Id, The Ego, and The Super-Ego.

The id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends; the super-ego plays the critical and moralizing role; and the ego is the organized, realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the super-ego. The super-ego can stop one from doing certain things that one’s id may want to do.

There are times when my Id screams loud and clear: “I WANT THIS, NOW!!!” in my youth my Ego tended to play along with my Id in creating all sorts of misadventures and mistakes in my life. Indeed, this is how we all learn about ourselves and the world around us. If we learn well, then we become good adults and find happiness and success in our lives. But, it is when we do not learn from our misadventures that we tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

In learning to become better human beings, there are guidelines that can help us move past the self-defeating thoughts and actions that hold us back from what could possibly be a happy and rewarding life.

Compliment Yourself
In the morning when you’re in front of the mirror, smile at yourself like you would smile upon meeting a dear old friend. Fake it if you have to. The result of a simple smile is immediate happiness and well-being. Even if it doesn’t last more than a few seconds, doing it every day increases the effect!

Let Go of Anger

For many of us letting go of anger is easier said than done. While anger is a perfectly normal emotion, holding it in can cause it to fester. When you allow this to happen, your mind is not clear, you can make regrettable decisions, and, it will affect your health the longer you hold in the anger. Research has suggested that pent up anger can cause digestive problems, difficulty sleeping, and heart disease.

Practice Forgiveness

Forgiving is one of the most powerful acts we can do to promote peace and security both in ourselves and with others. Forgiving others of wronging us can be one of the most difficult actions we can undertake. But given a choice of carrying resentment and hatred for years like a heavy sack of bricks on our backs or letting go of that sack and feel at peace, would you not want peace?

On the same level, forgiving ourselves can be equally difficult. The rewards can be huge, a stronger sense of self, a desire to grow and become the best person possible are but two of the benefits of self-forgiveness.

Be Helpful
Whether giving up your seat to a disabled or elderly person on the subway, helping a neighbor on a project, or carrying in the groceries when your spouse comes back from the store, being helpful is one of the most effective practices to becoming a better person.

Listen to Others (From a Previous Post)

There is a true gift we receive when we become present with others in conversation. It happens when we actually listen, actively listen to them. And it is not just listening to their words, it is also being aware of their expressions, their body language, and expressions, even the emotions you are experiencing from them while conversing!  This simple form of mindfulness can have huge rewards in the future for you. It creates a deeper sense of friendship and belonging with others. It creates a confidence that may have been hidden beneath your impatience in conversation.  And, it fosters a great sense of purpose and self-worth as you naturally become closer to those you engage in conversation with, no matter how briefly. So, listen with your ears, listen with your eyes and most importantly, listen with your heart.

Always Be Polite

Politeness even in the face of anger or rudeness is one of the most powerful weapons we have. It is disarming, as the person rarely knows how to come back from that. And, being polite in general is equally disarming for those that least expects it. I can open so many doors to possible conversations and possible friendships. All it takes is to hold the door for someone, grab a shopping cart for the person behind you waiting for one. Smile and say hello to the store clerk assisting you. It is so simple and feeling good afterward is a bonus!

Be Yourself
After all, who else can you be? A friend once said to me that I appeared to be one person at work, one person with friends, and another person in the presence of teachers and important people. No, I wasn’t diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. It was a simple as I had created a different approach for each of the situations. At work, I was business-like and accountable, with friends I was comfortable and probably most myself. When with people I held in great importance I was cautious and shy, nervous of making a good impression. What I had learned is that being comfortable and confident in myself afforded me to be the same person no matter where I was. It was a growing process and a worthwhile one at that!

There is a true gift we receive when we become present with others in conversation. It happens when we actually listen, actively listen to them. And it is not just listening to their words, it is also being aware of their expressions, their body language, and expressions, even the emotions you are experiencing from them while conversing!  This simple form of mindfulness can have huge rewards in the future for you. It creates a deeper sense of friendship and belonging with others. It creates a confidence that may have been hidden beneath your impatience in conversation.  And, it fosters a great sense of purpose and self-worth as you naturally become closer to those you engage in conversation with, no matter how briefly. So, listen with your ears, listen with your eyes and most importantly, listen with your heart.

Change is inevitable. Sometimes we can see it coming and can prepare for whatever road we choose to travel on. Sometimes it is like a bolt of lightning, piercing the night of our soul. I have read Tarot Cards for the past 30 plus years. It affords me a glimpse into the possibility of change and where it may come from, sometimes. There are moments when doing a reading that a certain card pops up and I sit there with a slight pang of dread looking at it.

When I was learning about the Tarot and how to read the cards, I was told by a Master that this card was the most powerful in the deck. I thought maybe the Death or the Devil cards would be the most powerful, given their worldly connotations. But when I had the card and what represents explained, I learned the power it holds.

I clearly remember the first time I got this card. A cold shiver went down my spine. I knew it was inevitable, but not in the context of its arrival. You see, as each card has its own representation, it also has a meaning in relation to the other cards in the reading. In learning how to read the cards, I also learned how our past plays an integral part in our present and future choices and actions. Seeing this play out in a visual representation is pretty amazing!

This creates a need to practice mindfulness in reading the cards and an ability to be open to what the cards are saying. It’s like a map for the road you’re on in life. You can choose to travel on the difficult and rocky road that will bring happiness and fulfillment later, or travel on the smooth and pretty road that really takes us nowhere in particular. I like to call this ‘The Road of Avoidance.’

So, going back to that card, The Tower. We sometimes choose to remain in a safe and comfortable spot (remember the greatest fear anyone has is the fear of change?), sometimes that comfortable spot is in the moment uncomfortable, but changing that lifestyle is terrifying, it becomes comfortable in its discomfort… This is where the Tower card shows up. This is how the Tower card was explained to me: when you have not worked on or moved past a difficult part of your life when you have chosen to remain stagnant and choose to not grow, the Tower card comes to you. The tower pictured is one that has been hit by lightning and the roof has been blown off. This represents your life. We spend time after a tough and growing part of our life building up the walls and putting a roof on our life. Secure with home and work, secure in a relationship, we go about our daily life. But growth is always presenting itself, often as a difficult situation.

When we choose to ignore the signs of growth and stuff the difficult situation away for another day, we hope to remain safe in the ‘life house’ we had built. But eventually (sooner than later) the Tower card (metaphorically) comes to play (literally). The problem that we had stuffed, or gently put aside rears its ugly head and we end up with no other choice but to deal with it and hopefully grow from it. I haven’t had the Tower in a reading in many years, so to see it speaks volumes about my journey. I have put off some recent projects and chose to try to remain in a field that I have had not much joy in. Yes, I help people and get the immediate happiness from that, but this is different.

This is bigger than me. These words are important and also the many millions of words that will inevitably follow. I seek out a larger audience. I seek to turn my experience into something that can be seen and read. My blog is a good starting point. My internet marketing business is another. But I know in order to get my voice out I need to be more vocal (literally). And that is the other greatest fear most people have; public speaking. Jerry Seinfeld once spoke of this. A study found that the fear of public speaking is greater than the fear of death. So, the man delivering the eulogy at a funeral is in worse shape than the man in the coffin!

A client came into my office with her counselor. The client appeared very anxious and a bit agitated. She had not gotten her dose of Medication from the clinic nurses yet. She was here to sign some releases of information to her doctors and had previously been resistant to doing so for fear of losing her anxiety medications.

This is a client on methadone and I work at a rehabilitation clinic primarily for persons addicted to opiates and are prescribed methadone treatment. On the surface, one may see an angry, ill-mannered addict who is most difficult to deal with. She refused to listen to any conversation and stated she wanted to ‘get dosed’ so she could feel better. I asked that she go see the nurses and receive her dose of methadone then return to speak with us. And she did just that.

When she returned I could readily notice that she was in a better state. Her mood was more stable and she was more willing to talk. I asked her if she had eaten anything yet that morning. She said no. I pulled out a chocolate chip cookie and offered it to her. Her expression was like I had handed her a $100 bill.

I sat there and practiced mindfulness in the moment. I noticed her expressions, I noticed what she chose to wear, and the buttons on her jacket were of a particular curiosity to me. As she spoke about how she was feeling and how it was difficult to even get out of bed on some days, I became more curious. What kind of person was underneath all this pain and sadness? What passions did she have laid hidden within that once brought happiness to her and those that witnessed it?

The more I expressed my curiosity the more she began to open up.  There was a pin among the several on her jacket. This one sat alone on one of the lapels. I asked what this solitary pin meant to her. She told a tragic story of when she was held captive in a cage by a human trafficker. Her story made my heart ache. Tears welled in her eyes as she told the story.

I asked about her passions and what had made her happy in the past. She spoke of journaling and drawing. We spoke about her holding this tragic memory inside and not releasing it, either through therapy or (and/or?) as a new blog. I suggested to her that she find support groups and begin to get her voice out and release the pain. Her affect brightened greatly as we spoke.

So initially, I was thinking I would be met with an angry and hostile young woman, pushed against the wall for most of her life. What she probably expected from me was equal hostility. When met with caring and real curiosity, she immediately became a different person. I truly believe if you meet with a person facing trauma with true curiosity and willingness to listen and be mindful of every moment during the conversation, the deeper reality of the person comes through and the real work truly begins.

You don’t need to be a licensed counselor to learn how to listen. All it takes is paying attention to the person, their words, physical presence and whatever else piques your curiosity. Even a small pin on their jacket.

It was another regular weekend, grocery shopping for the coming week. I was in the pasta and sauce aisle when Johnny Mathis came on the piped in music singing Chances Are. That was my mom’s favorite song. I stood there in between pasta and sauces locked in memories. I took a long deep breath and just listened to the song play. A single tear welled and fell on my cheek. I was there, in the moment, with my mom. A warm summer day, she was cooking pasta for dinner and singing to Johnny. A cherished memory flooded back! I did not dismiss the initial feelings of sadness and loss. I chose to accept it because of the lovely memory attached.

I have these moments often. I believe that after developing mindfulness in my life I have become more aware of these moments. I don’t think they come any more often, it’s just that my awareness is heightened to when they arrive and I choose to accept the experiences.

Mindfulness had taught me this. Mindfulness has taught me to be present in the moment, each and every moment if I choose. I have found a richness and beauty to life that had been previously lacking in my life.

The students watched on, as the play unfolded before them. A teacher was trying to teach a new student about Mindfulness. “Now pick up the glass of wine and bring it to your lips.” The student did so and drank the wine down in one huge gulp. “NO, NO, you must savor the wine, let its delicate bouquet entice your senses before tasting!” The student looked puzzled as the teacher poured another cup. “Now, being mindful is to savor every moment of each event. In this case, you are sampling the wine.”

The student looked at the wine with desire, liking his lips he waited for the teacher’s command. “Okay, again, pick up the cup and let the bouquet entice your nostrils before letting the wine touch your lips. Revel in the aroma and color of the wine. The student did so, putting the cup up to his face, giving a little sniff before again, downing the wine in one gulp. “ARRRGGGG!” the teacher yelled. “YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT! YOU WILL NEVER LEARN MINDFULNESS WITH SUCH WICKED BEHAVIORS!!!”

The play was stopped. The leader of the workshop stood and watched the expressions of the class before asking a question. “Who had Mindfulness in this exercise and who did not?” he asked. All of the students, save one, raised their hands and stated the teacher who was attempting to teach this young fool how to practice the art of Mindfulness. One student did not raise his hand. The teacher asked him why he did not raise his.

“Master, I believe the teacher lost his place in Mindfulness when he tried to follow his initial plan of teaching someone how to savor the wine as he would. He became angry when the student did not act in the way he wanted. In reality, I believe the student was practicing Mindfulness as he was thoroughly enjoying the wine in his own unique style. If the master took this into account, he may have gently coached the student in a deeper experience of tasting the wine. The master smiled and bowed to his student.

The Rangoon Racquet Club was a piano bar in the Holiday Inn in Norwalk CT.  When I was a young drinking man, my lovely girlfriend I and would spend Saturday nights there drinking Jack on the rocks and Rum & Cokes (respectively). We listened to Clarence bang out contemporary classics on his piano with the occasional accompanying singer. It’s a long-held and cherished memory of my young life.

There are many, many memories, some happy like this one, and some heartbreaking. I would never wish any of these away. They shaped and molded me to be the man I am still becoming today. I learned life the hard way. I have loved and desperately hurt in my learning about love itself. Later, when I thought I had lived enough and learned enough, I had stood at the edge of a cliff overlooking the crashing Atlantic and cried out to God ‘Do what you wish of me!’  I stumbled backward as the wind hit me and knocked me back.

It was a turning point.

What does this all have to do with Mindfulness? After the Turning Point, I became acutely aware of events, things and people put before me in my life. I learned that each and every event had (and has) a deeper meaning than what I understood in the moment. I learned not to fear what was put before me, I learned to look deeply at what was occurring in my life and then make a choice how to handle it. Sometimes the deep look happened after the event ended, sometimes right in the middle of it.

I began to look at the significant moments. Each came with a true and simple meaning. Much of this is Mindfulness in its essence. And even today, I still forget to breathe, and then remember. Today I forget to listen to my body and it complains and I do something. The difference today is that I know what I need to do. Today, I look for what I need and not what I want. Moments like the evenings spent at The Rangoon Racquet Club will still happen in different places, with different people. And I will cherish and continue to be mindful of the moment, making it a deep and brilliant picture in my mind and in my heart.

Sitting here in the early hours of the evening, not watching the TV that is on, I think about how a single seemingly inconsequential event can change a person and create a void in others’ lives. In these moments silence can be so incredibly deafening. The alone moments ache like an adolescent’s heart on a spring afternoon.  Sometimes I sit in the silence and wait. Sometimes I let out a guttural scream that pierces the silence. But nothing changes in those moments. I’m the tree in the forest and I have just fallen. Despite what had been said, and, despite what hasn’t been said, what was once a connection is now an empty dial tone at the end of the receiver held tightly to my ear. The painting sits on the easel, alone, with no owner. The pictures have all been put in the drawer and the notes and other memories stashed on a shelf in a little-used closet. My heart refuses to say goodbye. Maybe, just maybe, it’s only ‘see ya later.’ Maybe there is a tipping point coming and what needs to happen, hasn’t, yet.  I am mindful of my patience. I am mindful of my breath, and I am mindful that there is no forever.

I was in my office at work today when I received a page.  A man was sitting in the lobby. He had lost his wife this past Saturday. They asked if I could speak with him. Of course, I said I would be right out. He was a tall thin man sitting there in worn fatigues and an old baseball cap. He smiled and said his name was Tom. I expected a severely distraught person. He had just lost his wife two days before.

He thanked me for meeting with him. His mood was peaceful. He spoke about God and how he understood that his wife was in a better place. We talked for over two hours about his life and how he helped his wife through her disability. He was a very humble, I will say it again, a peaceful man. As he spoke I thought about what I would be going through if my wife suddenly passed away. He said he found her in bed Saturday morning. He tried to wake her. Thinking she was deeply sleeping, he went outside to warm the car up for her appointment. He came back in and tried again.

It was then that he realized he lost her. I don’t know if I could be as peaceful and understanding. He did say that he has had moments of sadness and tears, but his belief in God has helped him pull through. I learned long ago that each moment, each conversation carries with it a rich history. These conversations happen for a reason. In the moment all we can do is be fully present and absorb not only the information, but the atmosphere for which it is being presented in. it is this mindful moment that creates a deep picture in our memory, so that later we can call up these moments when needed.

I thanked Tom, he hugged me, and that hug felt warm and genuine. I could feel the love he had for his wife in that hug. I am grateful for the ability and courage to have these conversations with others. It causes my heart and soul to grow. At one point in our talk a tear welled up in my eye. I held it back. Tom had no tears in the moment. I believe he will have some m=now and again. May I find such grace and love in moments such as these. 

The breaking is so very subtle, it happens in quiet moments. It happens with the unexpected picture or a word overheard. I question myself, how many breaks can a heart take before it completely falls apart? Sometimes I look toward tomorrow with hope. And sometimes I look toward tomorrow with sadness and fear. What if, what if, what if? There are moments I can actually feel the break. Sometimes it is like a dull throb from behind my chest. Sometimes it is a sudden sharp pain that stumbles my step and causes me to bow my head as a tear forms in the corner of my eye. I will await your call, your message, your understanding. Today the tears come hard. Today the tears come through heavy sobs and a shuddering body. I try hard to hold onto what I remember of love and the gentle caress of its touch. I will continue to wait in hope and more importantly, in love.