Author: TheDon McCoy

Yesterday I had three assessments to complete. That meant I would be meeting and getting to know three people experiencing difficult situations.

I visited two nursing facilities and one hospital.

The first person was a man that had experienced a tragic auto accident and was wheelchair bound. Before this accident he was a Karate instructor, a Ph.D. in Psychology and a mentor.

I listened as he described how he was trying to put his life back together.  The calmness and focus he presented was inspiring.  I truly believe that he will refocus his life into something marvelous.

The second man was in the hospital. He was but five years older than me. But here he say on the edge of his bed, wracked with pain from severe back issues. He looked like a man in his eighties. I remember one thing he said to me. He first asked if I had any children. I told him I have two daughters. He repeated to me: ‘Hold them tight, never let go.’ I could see in his eyes that he had experienced such sorrow in his life.

The last person I had visited was a woman in a nursing home. She has stage 4 lung cancer. She had never smoked in her life. I walked in and saw a frail woman that had endured the indignity of chemotherapy. She had lost all the hair on her face and head. Unlike other persons that had lost their hair and had covered their heads, she chose to display her beauty for all to witness. We talked with the use of a white-board as she had also lost her hearing.

I was amazed at her ability to create calm in the room with me. Our conversation was fluid even though I felt a small struggle with writing and trying to convey my thoughts, she had no such problem. I looked at her bright blue eyes as I was finishing up the assessment and saying (writing) goodbye. She said: ‘I’m sure we will meet again.’

When we are young we make decisions mostly based on emotions. Either out of a passionate desire or out of immediate anger, we make choices that at the moment appear necessary. With age comes inevitable wisdom. With wisdom come patience and a deeper ability to utilize the mind to make a more informed decision. Without such wisdom, our decisions may often become regrets and in extreme instances, long-term guilt. Please, feel with your heart, and judge with your mind and above all, decide with a combination of both.

Often the best decision is to remain and get our head straight and clear before making any change. In a situation that is uncomfortable, it is often best to identify the issues and determine if anything can change before choosing to depart. Many times if you look for solutions they present themselves and the previous situation grows a brighter light. To leave before this often creates an eternal question and guilt of what might have been.

Are you truly happy?

(If not, what has to change to make you truly happy?)

Are you in a place that fosters peace and happiness in your soul?

(If not, look at bracketed above)

I had lived in Maine for 20 years after leaving Connecticut in my twenties. It had become my home and I truly loved living there. Then I found myself in a dark place and needed to find myself again. I left the beauty of Maine to return to the family of my childhood in Connecticut. I began missing Maine and its simple beauty. Then I met an amazing woman and we married soon after.

I found then after a few years of marriage that Maine hadn’t left me. On returning from a vacation there, I became emotional and it hurt to leave. I sat with this for quite a while. Then the first realization happened. I truly had a choice. Did I choose to remain married and living in Connecticut where we had begun to build a life, or return to Maine alone?

I found that I truly love my wife much more than Maine. It was still difficult to think of life there, the simplicity and easiness in Maine was addictive. Then, I experienced my second realization (or revelation?) We began traveling. We visited Arizona, Florida, California and recently Spain. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Maine was an idea. There are so many amazing places in the world that gave me a taste of awe and desire.

We returned from our trip to Spain and I understood so completely that life is entirely what you make it. It is not a place. It is not an ultimate destination that will bring happiness. I truly believe that if I had moved back to Maine, in the end, I would have become as miserable as the day I had left it. Making a life here with a woman that truly loves me is far more important than a lovely coastline or a small town.

The time for hiding is over. We cannot run away from the issues that confront us. Life isn’t meant to be easy with endlessly sunny days and happy people surrounding us. Life is about adventure. Life is about learning. Life, it is about growing and becoming more. So please, stop hiding, stop running away and begin to run to. Run to the next adventure. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone. Be curious. Be adventurous. Be daring. To do so is to feel emotions. To do so is to experience love and joy. To do so equally means to feel sadness and sorrow. These are the roads of growth. These are the roads to the real you and the potential that hides within, waiting to burst forth like the morning sun.

Love, Dad.

Sometimes we need to work on things in our life. Sometimes those things are emotional and life-changing. Sometimes we would rather run and hide from them. Sometimes the fear of facing those feelings and the person(s) involved is too overwhelming. What do we do?

Sometimes we remain silent and endure what is bothering us, allowing it to bottle up and build pressure until we cannot take it anymore. Sometimes we choose to run and hide. But where does hiding get us? At most, we are afforded a brief reprieve from the stress. What is stressful does not go away by our attempts at hiding from it.

Eventually, we need to face it. This is how we grow as human beings. If we continue to hide, the stress, that actually is not where we thought we left it but is actually buried deep within our hearts. Eventually, we become old by it. We become old in our hearts and in our souls. Life just seems to pass by and the joy we once felt in life is that much more diminished.

It is time to grow. It is time to face what we have run from. It is time to be better and to be stronger than we ever were before.

You are NOT alone!

Don’t assume you know what I think

Don’t assume I don’t understand

Maybe I do understand more than you know

Don’t assume that I haven’t walked, tripped or stumbled down a similar path

Banging my knees and shins on metaphorical twigs and rocks

Don’t think that I am angry or hate you

My understanding doesn’t allow such feelings

My love for you is greater than anger or hate

Don’t assume you are alone when others don’t agree with your new journey

They only have concern and love for you, as do I

Don’t ever think you are abandoned

I want the very best for you

Keep your heart open, keep your mind even more open

Trust that I want to help add clarity and understanding

Love,

Dad

I haven’t written about my past and my experiences in relationship. It had been a rough and often painful journey. I learned so much about myself and about how relationship works, many times by not doing the right thing. But even then beautiful things happen despite my ignorance and misunderstanding. I hope that what I have learned helps others that I meet in life.

What I have learned is that love takes patience.

Love is a journey that often is not pleasant but worthy of the patience

It is not a destination (Thank God)

Love is about learning, both about the other person, and about yourself

Love takes courage

Courage to look deep within yourself to find that special pace that, even though you may not feel it at the moment, the love you felt for that person in the beginning is still there.

Love is nurturing

Love, in itself, not selfish

It is self-less, it is about the journey with another person

Love is growth

I have learned that we choose to be in relationship, but is also a choice to experience the highs and lows of relationship, and not seek escape when we don’t like the lows.

The last thing I want those I love is to experience regret.

Remember, patience.

The old man said “First take a long deep breath. Think long and hard. Do not rush your decision, because this choice can very well define your life from this moment on.” The young man raised his head and looked at him listening intently. “Regret is not something you want to live with as you get older. Believe me, I know from experience.” The old man finished.

The young man looked up at the warming afternoon sun, then at the old man. He was looking at the young man with the intensity of a hawk. “Now, tell me why this is so important to decide now.” The old man said smiling as he put his arm around him.

Joyce was sitting on her bed when I walked in. Her white hair and blue eyes shined from the sun coming in the window of her room in the Nursing Home. She was ninety years old. We made some small talk before she looked up at me and asked if I was real or just her imagination. Joyce had recently been diagnosed with dementia. After I told her I was indeed real, she smiled and said “I don’t want to live anymore. Really, I don’t care if I live or die.”

I sat there with her words repeating in my head. I had often echoed her words in the past. I truly understood where her words were coming from. It is emptiness and a loneliness that permeates the very soul. In her case, she was brought to a nursing home after her children were not able to care for her. She has significant memory problems and cognitive issues that make caring for herself difficult and at times a safety issue.

I sat with her for a while and listened as she had difficulty staying on one topic. As I rose to leave, she asked me if she would see me again. There was a sadness and a wanting in her lovely blue eyes.