THE STAGES OF LOVE

 

“Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”

― Mother Teresa

 

Love, as in romantic love, as in the attraction and courtship of another. Millions of books and articles have spoken volumes on the subject. When looked at in the bright light of day, is so very simple. So simple in fact, that, we have to complicate it in a vain attempt to understand its simplicity.

Is it portrayed in black and white? Is it pictured in various shades of grey? It is, first and foremost the supreme opportunity to learn to step outside of ourselves and give that love and attention to another person. It is in fact, the understanding that we are not solitary creatures.

We crave connection; we desire the comfort of another’s hand in ours. We crave the soft warm kiss and the immeasurable warmth of a deeply felt hug. Connection.

A friend and mentor once explained the stages of love to me and where most couples fail. Here are those stages and a description of each:

Stage 1: Attraction and Romantic Love.

It is that point where we meet that special person. Maybe at a bar, or a party, at work, or bumping into their carriage at the supermarket. It is what Italians call ‘the Thunderbolt.’ It’s those Crazy Mad feelings of desperate need to be with that person every moment of every day. You cannot get enough of each other! They have no flaws, every funny idiosyncrasy is cute.

Stage 2: Love.

You’ve been together a while, life is good. Dinner dates, movies, long romantic strolls on the boardwalk. You are finding out about each other.  Hopes and dreams coalesce. You spend weekends together planning the big day! And it happens, the dress, the tux and the rings. Everything you have dreamed is coming into fruition. The romantic feelings are going strong. Setting up house and settling in is everything you have dreamed. A two-car garage and gourmet kitchen are the icing on your life cake.

Stage 3: Marriage.

You’ve been together for a few years now. You’re settled into your house and life. You drop your partner off at the train station then take that 30-minute drive to work. Weekends are filled with shopping at IKEA and Bed Bath & Beyond. Friends come over for dinner parties and you can’t imagine life getting any better.

Stage 4: WORK

This is the stage where many marriages fail.

One of my most favorite sayings is: Life happens while you’re busy planning for it.

Small things creep into your life. The job isn’t as glamorous and exciting as when you first started. Your partner (and you) has settled into those comfortable clothes (no need to dress sexy). One day she looks at you and you know something has changed; something miraculous and life changing has occurred. She stands there with a white plastic strip with a blue plus sign on one end of it. Life has indeed changed. (more on this singular moment later).

And sadly, for a great deal of couples, the birth of a child spells the end of the relationship. (it did for me).

Unprepared and unequipped for the major transition that is occurring, many couples find themselves divided. She, as a new mom spends every amount of her energy on this amazing bundle of joy. Romance has taken a back seat. You, the unprepared new father, stand there in the living room with the new paypen, and new toys and the woman that had showered you with so much attention, trying to figure what the hell happened?

This is the turning point. This is (excuse my candidness) where we separate the men from the boys. Life has indeed changed. There is a key element that goes missing at this stage of the relationship. It is COMMUNICATION. Most couples just stop talking. He has his idea of what the relationship should be, and she has hers. They are polar opposites. He remembers the fun and the romance. He longs for long drives in the country and romantic evenings. But these are few and far between. Bringing a child into the relationship is an amazing time. It is a time of reawakening, a time of soul searching and of truly reinventing ourselves. But many men can’t see past the past.

Picture it, you are at work. An attractive woman starts there and you work together. Some late nights, that necessary dinner together and things begin to heat up. She may also be married, or not. Everything that you had in your relationship in the past is right in front of you again. The attraction, the romance, your ‘little brain’ is screaming!!!

Now one of two things can happen later.

Understanding who is at home and the importance of what all those years mean, a man can politely decline the advancements. But sadly, many men succumb to the temptation.

Now to be perfectly clear. The ‘other’ woman is not the bad person in this scenario. She carries her own sorrows and pain of lost relationship. She is looking for understanding and love. Like you, the man, she is disillusioned about love.

I return to that critical word: COMMUNICATION.

It is the singular most important skill and opportunity a couple has to continue to build their relationship. Sometimes it requires a professional third party to facilitate the communication.

This is where the opportunity is lost for many couples. As I stated at the beginning, this is the supreme opportunity to learn to step outside ourselves and look at the love and person before we look at ourselves.

Next time you are at the supermarket and you see an elderly couple holding hands and smiling at each other. Stand there and think for a moment. They had passed through the stages of love. No, it wasn’t easy, but it was worth it!