Darkness

i had been to this place before. actually, many, many times before.

one unremarkable wednesday evening during my childhood, i sat at my desk in my bedroom with a single-edge razor in hand. i watched as small droplets of fresh red blood seep to the surface of a thin cut I had just created on my left wrist. a knock at my door and my mom’s voice stopped any more progress (strange word to use?)

tears running down my eyes, i told her through the closed door i was okay and was doing homework. a few days later she found a suicide note i had written that night. it was in that time i found out psychotropic medications did not work well with me. (aggression and desire for violence, for which i gratefully did not engage in). i had learned about the darkness and how lonely and comfortable it could become. but i also learned that once there, i knew the path and could find myself walking there whenever i needed to escape the life i faced in my childhood and adolescence.

most recently i had been facing a physical illness that has been entirely debilitating. diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, i spent much of my time for over two months in bed. with little to no energy, aching body and impending depression. each day i began to find that path again. being an artist, drummer and overall creative sole, i was lost in a void that felt like i was slowly dying. i lost a lot during those two months, precious time being the most. the darkness became consuming. it felt like a deep and dark fog had taken up residence in my mind and my heart. i prayed for an answer, doctors had little to none. i prayed for an ending as i found the darkness again, but the straight-edge remained in the drawer.

what kept me from being entirely consumed by the darkness was my years of learning and practicing mindfulness that brought me though and out of the darkness. sitting in the darkness (sometimes literally), i practiced awareness of my environment, of my body and of the immediate living moment (thank you Tich Nhat Han!) i began reading my Tarot, practicing bell meditation and taking short walks with my wife. The darkness and fog slowly began to lift. today i am turning a new page and my awareness is in tune and watching for the omens of future adventures. the darkness will always be there, down some darkly lit path only now it is a mindful choice to begin down that path or look forward with a content smile, knowing the darkness is but a journey to self-awareness.

we cannot move past or inner darkness without first accepting it is there. we cannot develop self awareness without first realize that we are needing it and that the path will sometimes be dark. when learning the Tarot i realized that the most powerful card in the deck is the Tower. when i or another person i was reading for got the Tower in their spread, i knew that change was impending. change that would not  be pleasant. the Tower represents an immediate need for change in one’s life, that we have put it off for far too long and the change will happen whether we want it or not. many times when the Tower is fond, the person is i a dark place. but with learning mindfulness and being curious about the events (omens) we are presented daily, we can begin to understand our journey and how beautiful it truly is if we step out of the box we had created for ourselves.